now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
