if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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