So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
