A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
