That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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