My underwear smells like fireworks.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
cat food counts as protein by the way
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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