Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i now understand why vodka
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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