i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
