You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
