My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
