I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
