I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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