i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
where are my eyebrows?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
