matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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