you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
