i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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