i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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