Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
should my penis look like a turkey
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
