My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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