should my penis look like a turkey
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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