Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
