who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
