so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
