he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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