I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
