im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
