Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
