She is in my trunk
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
