how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
