so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Randomize
