why do cheetos always look like penises
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
