he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize