so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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