Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
