just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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