K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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