the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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