When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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