So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
