i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
