Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
