I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It was confusing and full of hummus
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
