Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
