I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she looked like the before picture.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
This baby is an asshole
You can't just leave with hair like that
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
