if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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