chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
