When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
