i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
