I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
