i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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